Why All the Women In Your Life Are Exhausted

Every heterosexual woman I know is exhausted.

They work 40 to 60 hours a week. They keep the house tidy. They shop for groceries. They pay the bills. They keep track of what clothes are clean, whether there’s dish detergent at the sink, and when the shower curtains need to be replaced. They know when the lease runs out, they know when inspections are; they know where they are moving to next.

If there are children involved, their father spends time with them. But it’s still their mother who plans every birthday party. It’s their mother who knows when the dentist appointments and the doctor’s appointments are. It’s their mother who has their medication schedules on her phone and who knows the name of every teacher.

But that’s not men’s fault, at least, not solely. It’s a societal shift, and it’s one that both men and women need to recognize. It’s changing, but slowly. And in some areas, it’s changing at such a glacial pace it may as well not be changing at all.

Men have more free time than women; they spend it on self-care. From an early age, women are taught to see domestic tasks as their responsibility. If a coffee table is cluttered, it must be cleaned off. Men have been historically taught to ignore these tasks.

There’s no right or wrong to this, except for the perilous grasp of society. Because men have an entirely reasonable rationale: That table is going to get cluttered again tomorrow.

And sometimes, as women, we need to be willing to leave that table cluttered.

Why Many Men No Longer Seem to be Doing Their Fair Share

The problem is, it’s not always just a coffee table.

Women fought for the right to work and be held as equals. But men never marched for the right to do the dishes and balance the checkbook. No one wants to do these tasks. And truthfully, they don’t always have to be done.

When women started working, men (as a whole) asymmetrically picked up the cleaning, cooking, and managing of the household. In reality, keeping a house spotless and keeping everything well-managed is close to a full-time job, especially if there are children involved.

It’s something that neither women nor men really have time to do anymore, but women put the pressure on themselves to get it done.

Being “messy” isn’t something central to being male. If it were, gay men would live in a pigsty. But gay men are more likely to have open, honest conversations at the outset about what is expected from each of them — because there aren’t rigid, gender-defined expectations.

I have seen a women, making $400,000 a year, break down and sob because she just worked a 16 hour day and her unemployed husband ordered takeout just for himself when she got home. She was not his responsibility to take care of and, in fact, he thought that he was giving her a break because she didn’t have to cook for him.

It never even occurred to him that she had to eat, too.

And I have seen women spend literally years supporting men who cannot simply do the dishes, because “they’ll do it later,” but who have infinite time for World of Warcraft. Women who beg and plead for their mate to just do the dishes or pick up their clothes, but again “it isn’t important.”

And, to some people, it really isn’t.

How Much Work Are You Making for Yourself?

At one point in my life, I found myself fighting with a boyfriend.

“I’m tired of having to make the bed and put away the laundry myself,” I said.

“Why do you have to?” he asked. “I never did.”

“You need to stop inviting people over when the house is a mess. There are books and clothes everywhere.”

“I never cleaned up before, why is it such a big deal now? My friends don’t care.”

Well, that’s an interesting question.

I’m not saying that women need to be slobs. But, at least some of us may have higher standards than we need to have. If a woman is working and a man is not, of course, the household chores should probably fall on the man.

But if a woman is working a 60 hour week and her partner is as well, it’s possible she’s killing herself for an unattainable standard.

From an early age, women experience a sort of social “brainwashing.” We are told we must clean that clutter, that it is our responsibility, that something must be done and we are the only ones who can do it.

But men largely don’t have that socialization. (The younger generations appear to be countering this.)

If we don’t cook for our men, they will order a pizza. If we don’t do the laundry, they will run out of clothes, but they’ll still find something. By taking these things on, we create a cycle of negative behavior in both directions. We make it impossible for them to introduce it to their cognitive load and we give it permanent residency in ours.

Men have more free time than women. But men still survive just fine. That’s because men don’t feel ashamed if their house is a little out of order. They don’t feel like they’re failing as people if they have mismatched socks. They will eat pizza for a week straight if that’s what they need to do to feel better. They forgive themselves in ways that we feel we cannot.

Open Communication Will (Almost) Always Be the Answer

A lot of this, with a good partner, can be dealt with through open communication. These are the tasks that are required to run the household. This is what you need to do. This is what I need to do.

Most male-focused tasks are things like taking out the trash and mowing the lawn; they don’t take a lot of time. But most men will also consistently do them because it’s what is expected of them. Because ultimately, it’s not men who are the problem.

What we’re experiencing is a broad shift in expectations that we all need to manage, together.

And that means that in the end, there might be things on your list that realistically neither of you have time to do. And, oh well. You’ll both survive.

But the more insidious part is that open communication isn’t always the answer. Because most expectations fall upon women, it’s very easy for women to fall into abusive or neglectful relationships thinking that, as a woman, this is what they have to do.

Of course, you cook and clean for him. Your mother did that, too. Of course, your father also worked a full-time job. But as a feminist, you can support both of you, can’t you?

This is why so many of my friends have found themselves bending over backward to help men who will not help themselves; to “mother” men who won’t find a job, won’t take care of the house, and won’t stop playing goddamn World of Warcraft.

So, have reasonable expectations of your partner and don’t take anything for granted. But also, have reasonable expectations for yourself — and give yourself a break.